:) Feels good to be sharing this. I wish I got on the computer more to share, reminisce and complete actions, fully finish a cycle through recapitulation. Would be wonderful, it's been awhile but here I go. I'm alive!!! Yayy :)
Love is blowing with the wind, like a dust bunny or a feather, this is a new time to begin. Winding down, to and fro, I let go. I release my energy into the bed of soft buckwheat and rest my head. This is not a need, it's an energetic wave I'm riding. I breathe. To and fro, I stay. Rest, rest, relax. Leave.
Lie. Never again, shall false words repeat. Never again, shall I try to be mean. I am me, and I challenge myself to retrieve the pure essence of hope and silence. Positive outlook when needed. When retreated, nothing but lies cloud the mind. May I be still. May I remind myself, that I will be alright. I can go on, alive, beautifully. Life by my side. Life.
To stand, up when I don't want to, straight when I don't see how, strongly, lovingly After the fall.
:)
This, now, no predictions, breathe. Trip not, walk slowly
1. Choose one of the activities listed under ACTIVITIES/AWARDS/INTERESTS on Congress Bundestag Scholarship Application and describe your participation in depth. What difference has it made in your life and in the lives of other?
I remember sitting in class and listening to the morning announcements. I heard about an Interact Club meeting and decided to go. I can’t remember what that first meeting was like, but I will always remember how much it has changed and is still changing my high school career and my life. From Interact Club and the events that took me out of my comfort zone, I have gained valuable friendships and been introduced to admirable people. I have visited many places in my community that I would have never bothered to go otherwise.
Wherever I go with this club, I make a difference; I am needed; my presence is appreciated. Those three statements all mean a lot to me. Wasting time happens a lot from being somewhere where you’re not needed, supposed to be, or gotten to by mistake. Wasting time is what frustrates me the most. I have devoted countless hours to the community events and the people in Interact club and I can proudly say that it has never been a waste. Many opportunities have arisen from being a part of this club like touring universities, passing out toys to underprivileged kids, attending baseball games, leadership meetings and art show. I cleaned up the American river, raised money for polio patients and water for Africa, and helped out the PTA (parent teacher association) at various elementary schools during the holidays while they are hosting fundraising events and need the extra hands doing a lot of carnival game hosting and working with kids. It’s amazing to go somewhere you have never been before and instantly be a part of the big picture there, to be involved in the activities there, to be helpful. I like to have purpose and be helpful.
The most memorable event I volunteered at was a crab feed. We helped out at a few crab and spaghetti feeds but one stuck out the most to me. The extravagant building was full of doctors and medical people from the community’s hospitals and I just so happened to be serving the Kaiser Permanente table. I told the customers at my table that I volunteered at the local Kaiser clinic and they actually had me sit down at their table with them, talk with them and then they all gave me their business cards. At this regular sized, round table that seated about eight was psychiatrists, pediatricians and other medical specialists. I was overjoyed that they were so interested in not only talking to me for the night, but wanted me to contact them in the future too. I have paid the pediatrician a few visits since that day. She is conveniently located in the same hospital I volunteer at and I had the chance to witness her interacting with patients. To this day, I email with the psychiatrist because that’s what I aspire to be after college. One woman named Patricia, a jdddjsaljf , wants to have a soda with me and talk about my plans for the future so she could help. She jokingly told me that if Dr. Vigran, the psychiatrist, doesn’t "hook me up" then she will. Not only did I make great tips at the crab feed, but I gained valuable resources that have helped make my future more clear. It makes me so happy and confident when I have an idea of what happens next, of my possibilities or when I trust my fate.
The friendships I have made since being involved in Interact club is vast and valuable. My good friends and I became stronger from spending so much time together. My acquaintances and I developed mutual respect and a relationship that only forms when you witness how one another effects others lives. An example of this is with last year’s club president, Vanessa Martinez. She was a fantastic leader. Adults loved her; teenagers thought she was cool; and the people that she helped were so thankful for her assistance. And her assistance meant all of Interact Club’s assistance. Vanessa put a lot of effort and love into the club and it really showed when the passion spread like wildfire. We, the members, learned from her example. Some members were hesitant to let their true character show and so they just did the work. From watching Vanessa interact and be so friendly, everyone understood that there was more to volunteering than just getting the job done. All members devoted themselves because they knew it was worth it. When you help out others and putting smiles on faces whether it is the old or young, the soul is gently touched. It’s like a fast-spreading, contagious disease of bliss and warm hearts. You can’t purposely initiate it but when love and caring is shared, everyone has hope and is happy. I’ve gotten this feeling from making new friends, sharing my knowledge with others, making a little kid laugh or giving them something special and from gaining adults respect.
There is something magical about doing things for other people. It’s similar to the proud feeling you can get from having character (from doing good things when no one is looking.) When you technically get nothing in return for your actions (besides a head full of happiness) you can feel even better about what you just did. Interact Club has given me many opportunities to do things for others and experience the joy that comes with it. It was a good use of my time and has truly made me a better person.
2. In the 21st century, the United States is home to many different types of family structures. Please describe your immediate family, noting its unique or traditional elements, and your relationship with each family member. My immediate family that I’m close with is my dad, mom, and siblings as well as my grandparents and cousins that live next door. I have a great relationship with all of my family members.
My dad and I are very similar. It makes him so much easier to get along with since he can understand where I’m coming from. He is extremely hard working, loving, and is always trying to make others happy. He does his job as a father superbly and selflessly, and is the most supportive out of all my family. When I explain to him situations I am confused about, he does his best to advise me and make me feel better. My dad is also the "fun parent" who provides entertainment and either likes to relax or do some sort of fun activity. My mom is quite different. She is loving, crazy and stubborn. My mom is unorganized and doesn’t usually follow up with what she says, but tries. She isn’t as good as coping with problems as others. Despite her personal faults, she is such a great mother. On the other hand, my grandparents are always there for me whether it is emotional or financial support I, and all their grand children need. My grandma is so selfless, sympathetic, and caring, while my grandpa is realistic and like a chocolate truffle- hard on the outside, soft on the inside and sweet all around. They adopted my three cousins and they all live next door to my dad’s house. We all love each other and enjoy time spent together. We do conjoint dinners and family outings sometimes.
My two brothers, two sisters and I have a beautiful relationship too. There are the occasional sibling rivalries but nothing ever serious. My older brother, Bo, is sort of the "typical" protective big brother. He cares about all of his little sisters, is strong, and supportive. He is just a year older than me, a grade above, and is practically my best friend. I can trust him with anything and he trusts me; we confide in each other. Mya, the second oldest girl in our family is ferociously wonderful. She is twelve and starting to get stubborn, but I understand this. I don’t argue with her although that seems to be all she wants to do, and I try to be a good, fun mentor. When she is being nice, she can be quite funny and sweet. Makara, the youngest girl, is eleven and I proudly am her favorite sister. She is brutally honest with her opinions and I love that about her. She is very quiet around strangers, just like the rest of my siblings. Makara is picky, set in her ways, and independent. Lastly, Midnight, the baby of the family, is so far the cutest kid. He laughs wildly, and runs consistently. Either he is entertaining the family with a story, or we are entertaining him by playing with him and his trains. Midnight isn’t my father’s child but our relationship is just the same as it would be if he were my full brother. He is only four so he tends to favor my mom; sometimes that is okay because his energy level can be overwhelmingly high. Each member of my family is very unique and we all have different relationships with each other. Everybody is very interesting and the diversity makes me love everyone so much as individuals and then as a whole, as my family.
Because of my family’s large size, it has been difficult to keep any traditions. We have attempted various times to start traditions of things we would like to do every year but only a few have stuck. Every year since I can remember we have gone to my Papa Sams and GG Frida’s for Christmas Eve. While there, we eat tamale pie, see family members that we only see on that day, and the kids open up gifts and stockings. The gifts are from the various family members and the stockings are from GG and Papa. (GG means great grandma.) Every Christmas and Thanksgiving dinner is eaten and prepared at my grandma’s (the one who lives next door.) Some other traditions were recently developed and are also holiday things. Yearly we try to go to the pumpkin patch around Halloween time. We also try to have a whole day where the family comes over and makes gingerbread houses around Christmas time. And usually every year in the summer, we visit my dad’s friend Dewey who lives in the mountains and barbeque. Looking forward to doing the traditions each year is exciting but if they don’t happen I’m not that surprised or disappointed. Since my family doesn’t carry out each "tradition" every year, I am used to plans being indefinite or just not working out. I am not let down very easily because I know better than getting my hopes up. My family’s inconsistency has made me stronger.
My big, crazy family tends to be complicated, argumentative and anything but ordinary. Despite any of the oddness and tension that may go on we all love each other so much and I would say that is what matters the most.
3. Describe your relationship with a close friend outside your immediate family, noting the different qualities each of you contribute to your friendship. I have a best friend. We have a vast amount of similarities and a few differences. She’s not my family, but she isn’t just a friend either. She is probably my soul sister or my angel. She leads me in the right direction before I’ve even gone astray. I’m closer with her than I am with anyone else in the universe. Sydnie Whitesel and I have been best friends since I was in the 7th grade; since the first time we spent any time together and were introduced. The list of things we have in common seems to never stop growing. We are still finding things out about each other and are constantly surprised at how similar our minds work. Our bodies seem to work in sync too. One example of this is when we have lunch together, which we do daily and, conveniently, the day I’m not hungry she isn’t either, or she is and it’s perfect because I brought food especially for her. We both love to eat and try new things. Some people eat just to live but Syd and I like tastes and experimenting. Sydnie and I seem to simply like all the same activities. Some shared activity interests are occasional movies and TV, swing dancing, talking, spontaneous adventures (trying a new activity out) and relaxing. We are both pretty successful about not getting stressed about the inevitable. Our complex family situations have contributed to our strength. We trust, relate to, and understand each other. Our differences are few and futile. One is that Sydnie tends to handle attention better than I can. This may be partly because she is a cheerleader, she likes to dance and doesn’t care who is around. I’m most comfortable and able to act natural around less people though I’m getting better. Although Sydnie has more confidence, I have more guts. My best friend can be a bit of a "scaredy cat" and likes to be extremely cautious. I am more reckless than her and take matters more lightly. When problems arise, I am much better at not getting upset or scared. Sydnie has strong emotions and really feels the impact of the things that happen. I can just look to the future, forgive and forget. Situations and people (and everything) only have the power that you give them. I can accept what happens and not give anyone the satisfaction of their actions affecting me simply because their actions really didn’t. Another difference is our work ethic. Sydnie is a procrastinator and doesn’t always do her homework while I take things as they come and get it done. When I have something to complete I prefer to finish it as soon as possible so I can move on to the next task. She doesn’t mind seeing C’s on her report card while I’m so disappointed when I have a B. Sydnie and I both do well in school but I prioritize it more than she does. Despite any of our little differences, Sydnie is my very best friend. We have more things in common than I do with anyone else and I care for her so much that I wouldn’t know what to do without her. She gives the best advice, she gives the perfect amount of affection, and she is available at the most perfect times. If we didn’t have any differences, then we’d be contributing the same things to our friendship and it would be dull. There is no one that could ever replace her and I wouldn’t want that. Sydnie Jayne Whitesel is my most precious friend and she forever will be.
4. Describe a non- academic situation in which you have had to face defeat or failure, or have made a mistake, and explain how you dealt with it. Since I was a child I couldn’t wait to get a job. I was always the little girl that envied the big kids and wanted what they had, wanted to do what they were doing and wanted to look how they looked. As soon as I could be like the teenagers I always saw, I tried to. When I was fourteen I decided that was old enough to start looking for a job. I soon found out that most places wanted to hire sixteen year olds, if they were even going to hire a teenager. At the end of my sophomore year, I was fifteen and three quarters. I figured that must be old enough to at least get applications out because I assumed that by the time my application was actually viewed I just might be sixteen already. After all my attempts, I never got a call from an application I turned in; I never got my own job; I kept trying. At the end of the school year is soccer season. I played soccer when I was 9, 11 and 13. I was going to play when I was 15 too. Instead of devoting time and energy to soccer which I’d have to spend money to play, I devoted my time to applying to jobs which would eventually lead to making/saving money. I applied to a few places throughout the school year but when it came to that soccer season I was spending hours on the computer searching for available jobs, printing out applications and filling them out. I walked around shopping centers going from store to store asking if they were hiring. I had my mom take me around town so I could drop off the filled out applications with my resume attached. I applied to more than twenty places like Walmart, I love Teryaki, Jamba Juice, Fair Oaks Café, Pizza Hut, Burgers & Cheesesteaks, Target and so many other stores and restaurants. Although I never got a job, my hopes were high and I wasn’t even thinking about soccer. Keeping some free time allowed for volunteer work, job applying, the ability to focus on keeping my grades up and planning out my future. After all my attempts I wound up as a hired employee at the carnival that my aunt and uncle work at. My aunt got me the job so easily. She was visiting Sacramento because her carnival was just a few hours away (much closer than it usually is) and it was my brothers birthday. She left back to the carnival the same day she came, but I went back with her and worked the next day. I wouldn’t have gotten that job without her. I didn’t have to apply or anything. I worked there for the entire summer living in a trailer with my aunt, uncle and cousins. I worked from 9 am to 12 am sometimes with two breaks and saw my family three times within two months. It was my first real job and I was giving it everything I had. Once school returned I was unemployed again because I couldn’t travel with the carnival or work those long hours. Luckily soon after, my neighbor talked to an employee at Supercuts and got me a job there. Sadly, I don’t think I would have ever had a job without the help of these adults. Hopefully now that I have work experience I will be able to get myself a job next time I am in need. And now I know how to act in an interview and fill out applications. Everything is a learning experience whether or not it turns out how expected. Before I succeeded, I failed. I tried and tried and did all the right things but just couldn’t get a job. I still haven’t gotten any calls from all those applications I turned in. There was a restaurant that I thought was going to hire me because I would check in, talk to the manager and he gave me hope. I ended up not being old enough for that job. Although I was let down a lot of times I didn’t give up. I had a goal; my goal was to get a job; I wasn’t going to stop trying to until my goal was reached. Perseverance led to accomplishment.
6. It is natural for exchange students to feel homesick during a year away from friends, family and school activities. Reflect for a moment on what it will be like to live as a member of a family in Germany. What problems or challenges other than language might you expect to encounter and how might you deal with them? I’ve never been an exchange student so I can only imagine what it would be like. It’s hard to predict what will happen and what I would do, but it’s good to have some sort of idea. Any problems that I may face I will be sure to address and resolve in the most responsible manner. There is a possibility that I, just like many other foreign exchange participants, would get homesick and there are ways to get past that feeling. Everyone really puts emphasis on their family because the relationships there are so meaningful. Family is the guidance counselor, the people to act natural around, and the people that care about one another the most- more than any friend could. Considering that I know how amazing it is to have a loving family already, I know how fortunate I’d be to become a part of another family even if it’s just for a brief period of time. I would be honored to be welcomed with open arms into someone else’s home to stay and to be involved in their family activities. I’m used to being away from home and this will help prevent getting homesick. Plus, I am ready to experience a new culture because I feel like I’ve had enough of mine. At school I have done most of the fun things already and don’t have much to look forward to anymore. I have no interest in my senior year at Cordova High School. I went to the dances, volunteered with many clubs, took all the cool classes and made a bunch of lifelong friends. Naturally, I would miss my friends and family, but not unbearably. I don’t usually spend a lot of time with just one person, but I spend a fair amount of time with many people. From doing this, I’m not prone to needing to be around anyone in particular, which will be beneficial if I wind up being away from everyone for a year. If I was in Germany, with my host family, and a problem arose, I would first make sure there is an actual problem. I wouldn’t make a matter out of something that was nonexistent. Unless the problem is with my host family, I would go to them first. I can figure out who is most apt to help me with my problems. Hopefully only little obstacles will arise, but when and if any do form, I will take care of them as they come and ask for assistance from whoever could help me best, if needed. If I got very homesick and wanted to go home, I would call my family and have them talk me out of the idea. I would also take a moment to realize where I am and how much of a blessing it is to be there. The least of my worries is being homesick. My biggest concern with the foreign exchange would be struggling in school, if I had any concerns. It is my destiny to leave my home to go to school next year anyway. Knowing that something is meant to be helps me "plug away" at the task. I’ve dealt with bigger problems than being away for a long period of time, like being alone in the hospital for weeks and having food shoved down my throat and witnessing things that 8 year olds shouldn’t have to. I would be so excited to take whatever curve balls are thrown my way during my exchange journey and hit them out of the park with my metal baseball bat. My inner strength will help me defeat any obstacles.
6. What is it about the exchange experience that appeals to you? Foreign exchange has always been intriguing to me. I think everything that it offers is something of value and interest. I want to discover things about myself, others, and multiple countries. Those seem to be the main aspects of foreign exchange. Being a foreigner is something I’ve never really experienced. Since I am very fond of new things, I think I need to take all given opportunities and experience whatever I can. This scholarship is my opportunity to satisfy my desire to experience being a native in Germany. What I would be most excited about is the people interactions. I would get to make friends that speak a different language, learn in a very different way, and just have an entirely different culture than me. The music, the food, the school, the transportation and everything would all be so culturally different than what I’m used to and I’d love it. It would be fascinating to see firsthand how the Germans live their lives. I’d witness their work ethic, their fashion style, cleanliness, ways of celebrating and all else that contributes to daily life. Hopefully, when the exchange ends I would be speaking German fluently and have family friends who live in Germany, and they’d have a friend in America they could visit for free. The exchange seems to have so many lifelong benefits. When I imagine myself going on an exchange, I picture myself having fun and gaining insight on many things. I imagine getting off the plane into a different country, being greeted my host family and then being brought to their house which they prefer for me to treat as my own. That’d bring me comfort and would make me humble. I would be excited to talk to them, and listen to their language. Around a few weeks later I would look forward to going to school. I’ve been at the same school for three years now and it’s always been the same system. It would be a nice change to experience a different style of teaching and new atmosphere. At the same time while I’m in Germany and learning a massive amount of the language and culture, I will be teaching the Germans about American culture. I would be representing America and I would do that to the best of my ability. The reasons that I want to be a foreign exchange student is numerous but indescribable. It’s mostly for the experience. The best explanation for why I desire to travel, besides that I want to view the places and people in different countries, is that I want to have everything in reach, have the culture be tangible, learn, taste, talk and enjoy.
ACTIVITIES, AWARDS, AND INTERESTS 1.
Key Club / 7 hours/month / Sept 2010- Present
Al Cal Demolition / 4/year / Dec 2008- Jan 2009 and Dec 2009- Jan 2010
West Coast Catering / 5 / Oct 2010 – Present
Butler Amusements / 172 / Jun 2011- Aug 2011
Supercuts / 64 / Sept 2011 – Present
3.
Kaiser Permanente Volunteer / 8 / Oct 2010- May 2011
Casa Coloma Senior Health Center Volunteer / 10 / Feb 2011- September 2011
4.
Swim Team / 10 / Oct 2009 – May 2010
5.
Violin / 20 / Oct 2004- May 2010
6.
Homecoming Princess Nominee / Oct 2011
2009 during the summer I visited my pen pal in Tucson Arizona for two weeks and saw the Grand Canyon and saw a good amount of Route 66. I flew there by myself and even had a layover.
2009 during Thanksgiving my family and I went to Yuma Arizona to visit my aunt and uncle. We drove and stayed for a week. It was so fun! We explored the sand dunes.
2008 and 2011 during summer I went to Oklahoma with my grandma and cousins. We stayed with family friends for two weeks at a time and it was a great experience. Oklahoma is beautiful and I can appreciate it even more since I am about 1/16 Chickasaw Indian.
Dear host family, Hello! I'll be so pleased to hear that you are reading this letter! I am Milea Trujillo from Sacramento California and I really want to visit Germany to get a feel of the culture and come to an understanding of myself in this world. I think the more one experiences the more one knows oneself. One of my goals is to sight see and eat in many countries, and I'd love to start now. It’s extremely exciting for me to think about the endless things that I don’t know about that are in Germany. I want to know! I want to have fun there, meet people and see beautiful things. So I live in a pretty big city with a big family. In my house that I live full time at, there are seven kids. My dad has four, including me, and his girlfriend has three. This is the house that never sleeps. With so many kids it can be difficult to find quiet time or an empty room besides my own- which is good enough. I love my room. The decorations, the music, the smell, the objects and the stash of snacks are all I need for a lifetime. Sometimes I visit my mom with my two sisters and brother. I also have a half brother at my moms, so a total of five kids, including me, over there. My mom and dad’s houses are very different. My mom lives in a smaller house than my dad and she is single while my dad is practically married (him and his spouse have been together for 7+ years.) At my mom’s, the majority or meals are home cooked (which I really love!) and seldom does she order take out. At my dad’s it’s backwards. I’m not a picky eater anyways. I used to live at my mom’s full time but life at my dad's house is easier and I can focus better on my priorities- which is important for me this close to college. At my dad’s, the kids play a lot of video games and watch tv frequently while my mom tries to avoid that. When I'm not at home I'm mostly at school or work. My school campus has lots of trees and green grass with kids of all different colors, races, heights and intelligence. The teachers are supportive, witty and involved. Cordova High School has lots of school spirit that can be seen from the cute and colorful fliers on every wall about fundraisers, campaigns, clubs and sports. We have school lunches that aren't anything special, but suffice and get eaten everyday by many. My high school is not huge but not small. I like my interactive high school and am glad I'm going there. And then there is my job. I work about three days a week at Supercuts- a hair salon. I'm the receptionist and I usually work at the same time as 3-5 hair stylists that are all so nice and easy to work with. I clean combs, sweep, talk to customers, work the cash register and then close up at night and count all the money. It's so nice to have an income. I'm saving it up for when I'm done with college and move completely out of my dad's house and into my own. Some interests of mine are music, cooking, and talking. I really like classic rock. Most of the bands I love are from the 60’s to mid 90’s. I can stand anything, but of course I have my preferences. I have an open mind and enjoy new things so much. New music, new foods especially, new people and new places make me so excited and when I’m excited, I’m really happy! I have always liked cooking but since I’m getting older, I’m getting better at it and this makes me like cooking even more. I like making stuff from scratch using recipes or trying to "just wing it" and throw ingredients together. Preparing food is so fun to me. Lastly, as cliché as it is, I enjoy conversations. I’m not so good at small talk sometimes but it’s easy for me to get in somewhat "deep" conversations with people and I love that. The way people think and how we all do it so differently fascinates me. I like to hear people’s stories and opinions. I am interested in many things but those are the most common of mine. Thank you so much for reading this letter all about me and my life. It would be such a pleasure to be welcomed into your home while I visit Germany. I could easily adjust to whatever your "normal" is and I don’t expect a thing! I’m used to not being used to anything at all. Sincerely,
milea like the morning skies, shine sweet soul of the moon, smile could you lay by my side, forever? i miss the sound of your voice, i can hear you you're up there i'm down here your life is on track bright ad the angels light pure as the bird, you will fly
he wrote this for me.. (it's actually a song)
i wrote this for him.. (just a note)
i love you that means a lot those words, from my heart to the mouth love who we are together but i also love who i am when were apart i dont believe that people need anyone so i teach myself to be strong that doesnt mean i dont want u every piece of me wants every piece of you i dont ewant those typical promises though "i dont like making plans cause they dont matter" There should be reassurance in the every day not the words we say
for me,
my world is crumbling.
between headaches, lack of desire of food, lack of concentration.. yada yada yada.
I know why.
But I don't know if I want to fix the problem.
If the problem is a problem
It's one because I made it one.
My head.
My interpretation.
My problems..
Right now, there's only one.
Exes
To convince myself that everything's okay (like I know it is) and to get rid of this actual physical headache..
I must remember:
that was hs
they were both different
look wise and personality
that was almost 3 years ago
idk her
he doesn't have anymore feelings
she definitely doesn't either
ive got him
she has someone else
they have memories and thats all
she was pretty, i am pretty
she didnt smile, i do
why does this past thing bother me so?
cause he felt for her so much
she was his first love, he was maybe hers
he is my first love
im not his, but i am his love.
i just want him to love me the most, like i love him the most.
he says im not fair, hes not fair.
thats it! thats the conclusion.
i dont want to love anyone more than they love me.
i dont want to be heartbroken.
i dont want to quit to early either.
i want love security and nature.. i can have it all with many people
but i want him and i want him to want me
i dont want him to think of anyone else (from the past) cause i won't be.
...
...
...
...
its figured out
things should be different
i dont want to make him think of her by things we do, listen to, see, say, or anything.
i hate the past
wrote all this while there. was sucha tough trip. emotional. missed my newfound glory. missed him so bad. couldnt figure out how i felt about my friends. felt so much appreciation for those at home supporting me doing this. love my family. cried about a lot. worried about $$ too much. Maybe it was the food?
Jack
its amazing how much one can miss and love
and really experience all those feelings
for jujst one person
for such a while
constanl\tly, indefinitely
and wow, when those feelings are shared.
a mysterious mutual connection
hope it never leaves
but fear is not felt, or considered
because living in the present day is how we function
following the days path is the only path we see
foreign is another word for veering
the typical necessities are no longer needed
you realize and thrive using what you only need
going steady
taking our time
but not going slow at all
~don't let me down- reminiscing~
thinking to myself
encouraging myself
reminding myself
to get through this life
to do so, happily- sanely
we must be independent
not relying on others
no reliance but self.
Last summer
she's like dawn
anger is the devil
shrills from such a sweethearts mouth
never let me sound so evil
or make anyone feel so small
or look so vicious, so malevolent.
Won't let me down.
We are so fragile.
The typical teen mind needs to expand
Quick! Be conscious! Care!
i used to feel dead. nonexistant
it's amazing to realize the differences between now and then
my present being
i am not happy, but i am real
my existance is substantial!
home --~~-----~~~----~~~~--> Amerixxxa!
homeward bound just the thought brings me closer to happy peace of mind serenity
ive tried my hand with music making ive read my share of books the culture shock has come ive tasted all the cooks so done ready to fly sett~~~meee!! free <^^
i hate how i feel. how my body acts. being sad. i know i simply gotta change my mind. pretend to be something for long enough and maybe youll become it. like happy.. maybe. hopefully. ive done it. it workded. not today. i dont want to be happy. let me be me. theyll take the emotion too far.. dont want a sidekick. want a complementary angle to my 30 degree okat SOM.
CANT TRY W/O SOME HOPE
where is the hope? in the heat
heard too much hopelessness
the world is fucked
(we all are.)
no
shouldnt focus on the world
should start smaller
all or nothing for though
does that make me an extremist?
cant.. change..the world...
or.. anything
starfish on the rocks
alone,dry. idle
being idle. simply sitting
the is sweet satisfaction in the lack of motion
breathing only
thats enough to feel alive
no need for adrenaline
thoughts are powerful enough to move anythiing
DAMNED WORDS
dont want u to feel obligated
i sure dont
im sorry
hate to be repetitive
want it to be special
if it is, then it will be
i talk too much. blabber. thnk too much. ponder.
i hate that.
just want to hold onto this.
risks make me crazy
.......................andMONEY
dont every have to do anything
might die at any time
ive worked a lot for this
saving up for what?
you can make more
itll be ok!
just despise this awareness
call me Scrooge
want to be happy
so dumb. maybe funny that i have it. money--
just dont know what to do with it yet
Risks in that aspect are too risky
S T O M A C H P A I N S
worse than back pains
you can see this
the repulsive lumps about to form
i can feel it pulsate
the fat is gathering..
itll never go away
it wont
cant eat this
must try that
should eat that
no! stop! stop!
just do it.. you're fine.. mmm.. yeah..yum.
cant
must
dont want to be rude
cant wait to be alone
have no pressure, be in control, ill be skinny forever
W~A~I~T~I~N~G for N~O~T~H~I~N~G
from lonely to lonelier
house full of nothing to something
the something doesnt care
awaiting presence just to be ignored. rejected
might as well be the one. the careless bitch
first the worst
listening intently
jumping at every sound
door swings open
bodies frolick in
i am invisible
my eyes. my heart. no connections
thinking.headaches.anxiety.energy.
my spirit must be strong. my mind is not in control.
convince, convince.
thankful for deja vu. thatkful for feelings of certainty.
take the middle path.be aware, be okay
be be be!
buzz like a bee
be free~~~~~
SEX*DRUGS*ATTENTION*GRIME
THE THINGS SET UP TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD AND ASHAMED
LIKE YOU SHOULD BE SECRETIVE. OF ONLY THE WORLD WOULD BE QUIET.
NOTHIGN IS ANYTHING. NOT W/O SOMEONE MAKING IT SOMWETHING
LETS MAKE EVERYTHING NOTHING. LETS HAVE FUN. LETS NOT CARE.
YOU BE MY ONE AND ILL BE YOURS. THE ONE WHO ALSO DOESNT CARE.
ATTACHING FALSE MEANING JUST LEADS TO DISAPPOINTMENT.
YOU DONT HAVE TO TRUST ME, JUST TRUST THAT I DONT CARE EITHER WAY
here comes memories!
taking you down... down to a place i found a long time ago. memory lane!
i'll do my best with dates. this is all from an old journal. SEDOP notepad.
hospital: Nov 7 2008----Stanford Nov 12 2008---- SUMMIT Dec 3 til like April 2009.
12/8/11 120 lbs. Semi back to my old self. Eating wise--that's all. 16 years old. 11 to go.....
exhausted, not sleep deprived. sad. hate money. hate gas. hate humans. love love and those who do too. school is for dummies. let me live!
I don't want a boyfriend. I want stability. I want someone to count on. Support. Be there when I need and want you, and I'll be there for you. Wait for me. Love me. What more could one want.........
I have a constant feeling of nonexistance while at the same time everything is so real. Every decision matters so much. too much
I'm just a small person in such a fantastically huge world (that i'll never see all of or understand. how great is it that it doesnt matter!) im trying to do my best to make a difference, do big things. (that idk about yet.. what they are) it's starting to frighten me.
Haha this one's funny. "don't forget keanu huerta. marry him one day"... i thought thanhthanh, scott and syd were all super imp people in my life. maybe. too bad none of them stuck. they're all the devil!
11-28-11 I had a dream. Tim texted me just to say hi. Oh how I wish we could be friends.
I keep thinking about Scott.
I'm prob gonna break up with Jake. he's such a cool, good guy. he'll find someone.
how could i
how unlike me
how sad i feel
when i feel like this i feel fat
and when i feel like my thighs are heavy i try to lose weight
i am glad i know what to expect from myself.
NOW. CHANGE.
here goes my mind.
he is just my friend.
it's amazing how much better the heart feels now
kess expectations
cant expect conisitency.
WOoooooo
CHEck. 1 problem down.
Now, that body.
Better get back into my yoga if I keep eating like this
i should do it anyway
i want to
i want to
shit, no i don't.
i don't
I want to relax and enjoy peoples company
and noone wants to do yoga with me
i am sad
i feel feelings
once i did not
once i did not think
i enjoyed food.
now i hate food and enjoy people
at this time, my friends are not very friendly
some
some.
if i have stuff, i have no people
if i have people, i want no stuff.
if i go to college, i don't know
i need love from myself
with marco, i have forgotten that
too much love for him
once he was the crazy one
now i am crazy for him and he is almost unsure
i liked it better the other way
sherry almost moved out again
dad is confused too
he just likes to snuggle with her when she's nice
she loves him. she really does
i really could cry all day today
tears are a fools drink
they do nothing
cause laziness
and miserable feelings
and lack of pleasure
happy tears are too rare to analyze
i miss being happy
i should be
sometimes
sometimes i really am
i could die of joy
i wonder
i wonder
this song just came on. perfect
in such an unperfect world.on an awful day.
in the heart of an awful person, this was perfect
thank you God, I MISS YOU. Come back to me. Find me. I'll find me. You find me too.
I love you. I really miss you God. I miss you more than I even know. I miss you.
Bend down low Let me tell you what I know now Bend down low Let me tell you what I know, what I know, what I know
Long time, we no have no nice time Doo-yoo-doo-dun-doo, yeah, think about that Long, long, long, long time, we no have no nice time Doo-yoo-doo-dun-doo, yeah, think about that, mm
One love, one heart Let's get together and feel alright One love, hear my plea, one heart Give thanks and praise to the Lord, and I will feel alright
Simmer down, you lickin' too hot, so Simmer down, soon you'll get dropped, so Simmer down, man, you hear what I say? [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/bob+marley/all+in+one_20021655.html ] After he Breaks your heart Then you'll be sad, so sad And then your teardrops start I tell you, then you'll know how It hurts to be alone
Oh, what a (... feeling ...), what a feeling (... be blue) Oh, what a feeling, oh, what a feeling (Oh, what a feeling to be blue) Have you ever had a lonesome feeling?
This was cause thru love and affection This was cause thru love and affection This was cause thru love and affection
Mm, feel them spirit I'm gonna put it on Feel them spirit I'm gonna put it on
Yes, my friend We're in the streets again Yes, my friend Dem set we free again ...
