Decisions and fate

I have never been good at making up my mind. That must be why these days I depend on my feelings. I just know when something is right or wrong. Not this time. Actually i do. But I believe there is a slight difference between what's right and wrong and what is meant to happen whether or not it's "right". Who is the REAL judge anyway? And what do I care? If i feel something is right then obviously it is. For me.
I want dreads. It's been a desire of mine for almost a year. The thought of it preventing me a job has held me back. But if they do prevent a job- that job must suck and I wouldn't be happy there anyway. *snaps all around the room* yeah. And then. there are some things that I think that I don't even have the courage to blog about. Another decision. It's not even really a decision. It's a must. And the answer is no.

Beautiful Boy

He doesn't meet my gaze

catch my eye

look at me how i look at him.

our hands don't fit.

our lips don't spark.

my head doesn't fit on his shoulder.

he doesn't surprise me

he is predictable and ordinary

he didn't do anything for me on Valentines day

we don't say goodnight or good morning

he looks away

he's not deep. but he is conceited

i don't feel special

it's not just how i feel

i'm not special

not to him

i won't be loved

....

BUT he can be soo funny

interesting

informational

handsome

nice

mean

rude

 thoughtful

generous

...

Man I gotta break up with him

i don't miss him

A hard days night

I made a plan for today. A checklist. One thing on it of interest was to paint my bike. My cruiser was already kinda cute but it has started to feel old lately. It needed a special touch. I gave it to her :) People are Strange- The Doors. Give Peace a Chance -John Lennon. Flowers, a dove, butterfly and dream-catcher among other things have found a home on my bike. I'm so excited to ride it to school again. I have a car, yes. But I might as well soak up the sunshine while I can! I'll definitely drive when it rains. Last year was miserable. There's the back of my car. The front is quite boring.

After I made white chocolate and raspberry pancakes that is what I did. Then I had to use the restroom of course and decided that needed some good lovin. Anything is possible if you scrub

So over time I have written some stuff and I think it'd be cool to share that with my blog. Here goes. Just some insight on how I think and feel and am.
I have a deadly fear of feeling fat. of having my thighs jiggle too much. of cellulite. of a tum that sticks out. I'd like to conquer this fear and lately I've actually been trying. One day. Maybe one day it won't be a problem. This girl Anna really got in my head and I can't get her out.
I love these actors and actresses: Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, Drew Barrymore, Anne Hathaway, Reese Witherspoon, Emma Stone, Emma Roberts, Julia Roberts, Amy Poehler, Kristin Wiig
Jason Siegel, Tom Hanks, Ryan Reynolds, Emile Hirsch, Channing Tatum, Adam Sandler, Will Ferrel, Andy Sandberg.... Something I wrote down and would like to be able to refer back to easily. I'd like to be able to have witty comical banter come from my mouth.
Only in Oklahoma can you smell BBQ in the movie theatre. Go a day in public and not see a black person. Have biscuits and gravy 3 times in the same week- not leftovers. Adjust from heating to AC in the same day. Yes, I went to OK. This past summer for about 3 weeks. A long, exasperating car ride there and a not-so-bad one back. I don't really want to talk about it.
I hate feet. I hate wasting time- meaningless conversations- seeing Sherry happy- pain- lean people watching what they eat- wasting food- hypocrisy- . I hate being touched sometimes. 
I love love love my grandma. And water chestnuts. And fresh herbs and food. I love tasting things. And surprises. Adventures and excitement. I love feeling good.
I can't eat hard candy without biting it. Sleeping in the car makes my face itch.
I really wanted a station wagon or VW bus for my first car. I got a Toyota corolla and i surprisingly have a fondness for it with its tidbits of artifacts from the previous owner. I hate needing gas

I want to get away. I want to fly away.
I want to go to Vietnam. To India. Not to Mexico. Take me to Peru, Egypt, Australia, Ireland. Canada. Oh how I yearn to see the world! I can't imagine staying in the same area for too long.
I don't want to PAY for anything. I hate money and how it holds you back. Limits=Lame. I feel like my mom holds me back a lot. I tell her that too. She gets upset with me when I tell her my true thoughts. What is more honest than words from your heart? Is there anything you cantrust more? No way Jose.
Misha. My pen pal. In Arizona. I need her! I just can't afford to see her. Maybe I can. I have money. In the bank. But I don't know if I should spend it or save it for the future. I CAN and WILL make more money. But when I am out of college I'm going to need a house. It'd be so cool to have a buttload of cash available when I really need it. I could die though. Or be killed. Perhaps I should live like I'm dying. One day I will know what I should do. Soon!

In Hopes of the Start of Something New

It's not that I'm bored with my life. Not that at all. I'm a bit overwhelmed to be honest. I have a vast amount of different things going on and it's only fair to my future and current self to remember this part of my life. What a shame it would be to forget all this. I sure am not doing it for nothing! This is the year. Going to be my glorious high school year, i have a feeling. And my feelings... are somewhat mystical. They mean something so unbelievable and hold so much truth. This can not be explained, I  am afraid.

   Well I tend to be easy going most of the time but today I was uptight. Not all day but in the morning and then again in the afternoon. While I was trying to perfect an in-class essay, thoughts of money i need and things I must do and don't want to do kept interfering with my concentration .Those dang obligations.After school in interact club I couldn't take anymore nonsensical  talks about events. Or any nonsensical talks at all. I didn't want to listen to anyone. Or see anyone. Anyone. And then waiting for the leaders to continue their meeting I was only going even more crazy. In my head. Do you know we spend more than half of our life just waiting? Isn't that pathetic? There is so much to do other than wait. Time is money. Time. Money. Ah how I despise the two. Oh how they can make my skin crawl. Make me want to curl up in fetal position and dream my life away. Or perhaps I could just stay in bed all day with someone I love. Who also loves me

my future hair.