milea
like the morning skies, shine
sweet soul of the moon, smile
could you lay by my side, forever?
i miss the sound of your voice, i can hear you
you're up there
i'm down here
your life is on track
bright ad the angels light
pure as the bird, you will fly
he wrote this for me.. (it's actually a song)
i wrote this for him.. (just a note)
i love you
that means a lot
those words, from my heart to the mouth
love who we are together
but i also love who i am when were apart
i dont believe that people need anyone
so i teach myself to be strong
that doesnt mean i dont want u
every piece of me wants every piece of you
i dont ewant those typical promises though
"i dont like making plans
cause they dont matter"
There should be reassurance in the every day
not the words we say
Sunday, November 25, 2012
five minutes to save the world
for me,
my world is crumbling.
between headaches, lack of desire of food, lack of concentration.. yada yada yada.
I know why.
But I don't know if I want to fix the problem.
If the problem is a problem
It's one because I made it one.
My head.
My interpretation.
My problems..
Right now, there's only one.
Exes
To convince myself that everything's okay (like I know it is) and to get rid of this actual physical headache..
I must remember:
that was hs
they were both different
look wise and personality
that was almost 3 years ago
idk her
he doesn't have anymore feelings
she definitely doesn't either
ive got him
she has someone else
they have memories and thats all
she was pretty, i am pretty
she didnt smile, i do
why does this past thing bother me so?
cause he felt for her so much
she was his first love, he was maybe hers
he is my first love
im not his, but i am his love.
i just want him to love me the most, like i love him the most.
he says im not fair, hes not fair.
thats it! thats the conclusion.
i dont want to love anyone more than they love me.
i dont want to be heartbroken.
i dont want to quit to early either.
i want love security and nature.. i can have it all with many people
but i want him and i want him to want me
i dont want him to think of anyone else (from the past) cause i won't be.
...
...
...
...
its figured out
things should be different
i dont want to make him think of her by things we do, listen to, see, say, or anything.
i hate the past
my world is crumbling.
between headaches, lack of desire of food, lack of concentration.. yada yada yada.
I know why.
But I don't know if I want to fix the problem.
If the problem is a problem
It's one because I made it one.
My head.
My interpretation.
My problems..
Right now, there's only one.
Exes
To convince myself that everything's okay (like I know it is) and to get rid of this actual physical headache..
I must remember:
that was hs
they were both different
look wise and personality
that was almost 3 years ago
idk her
he doesn't have anymore feelings
she definitely doesn't either
ive got him
she has someone else
they have memories and thats all
she was pretty, i am pretty
she didnt smile, i do
why does this past thing bother me so?
cause he felt for her so much
she was his first love, he was maybe hers
he is my first love
im not his, but i am his love.
i just want him to love me the most, like i love him the most.
he says im not fair, hes not fair.
thats it! thats the conclusion.
i dont want to love anyone more than they love me.
i dont want to be heartbroken.
i dont want to quit to early either.
i want love security and nature.. i can have it all with many people
but i want him and i want him to want me
i dont want him to think of anyone else (from the past) cause i won't be.
...
...
...
...
its figured out
things should be different
i dont want to make him think of her by things we do, listen to, see, say, or anything.
i hate the past
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Leaving on a jet plane
words straight from Vietnam!
Jack
its amazing how much one can miss and love
and really experience all those feelings
for jujst one person
for such a while
constanl\tly, indefinitely
and wow, when those feelings are shared.
a mysterious mutual connection
hope it never leaves
but fear is not felt, or considered
because living in the present day is how we function
following the days path is the only path we see
foreign is another word for veering
the typical necessities are no longer needed
you realize and thrive using what you only need
going steady
taking our time
but not going slow at all
~don't let me down- reminiscing~
thinking to myself
encouraging myself
reminding myself
to get through this life
to do so, happily- sanely
we must be independent
not relying on others
no reliance but self.
Last summer
she's like dawn
anger is the devil
shrills from such a sweethearts mouth
never let me sound so evil
or make anyone feel so small
or look so vicious, so malevolent.
Won't let me down.
We are so fragile.
The typical teen mind needs to expand
Quick! Be conscious! Care!
i used to feel dead. nonexistant
it's amazing to realize the differences between now and then
my present being
i am not happy, but i am real
my existance is substantial!
- home --~~-----~~~----~~~~--> Amerixxxa!
ive tried my hand with music making ive read my share of books the culture shock has come ive tasted all the cooks so done ready to fly sett~~~meee!! free <^^
i hate how i feel. how my body acts. being sad. i know i simply gotta change my mind. pretend to be something for long enough and maybe youll become it. like happy.. maybe. hopefully. ive done it. it workded. not today. i dont want to be happy. let me be me. theyll take the emotion too far.. dont want a sidekick. want a complementary angle to my 30 degree okat SOM.
CANT TRY W/O SOME HOPE
where is the hope? in the heat
heard too much hopelessness
the world is fucked
(we all are.)
no
shouldnt focus on the world
should start smaller
all or nothing for though
does that make me an extremist?
cant.. change..the world...
or.. anything
starfish on the rocks
alone,dry. idle
being idle. simply sitting
the is sweet satisfaction in the lack of motion
breathing only
thats enough to feel alive
no need for adrenaline
thoughts are powerful enough to move anythiing
DAMNED WORDS
dont want u to feel obligated
i sure dont
im sorry
hate to be repetitive
want it to be special
if it is, then it will be
i talk too much. blabber. thnk too much. ponder.
i hate that.
just want to hold onto this.
risks make me crazy
.......................andMONEY
dont every have to do anything
might die at any time
ive worked a lot for this
saving up for what?
you can make more
itll be ok!
just despise this awareness
call me Scrooge
want to be happy
so dumb. maybe funny that i have it. money--
just dont know what to do with it yet
Risks in that aspect are too risky
S T O M A C H P A I N S
worse than back pains
you can see this
the repulsive lumps about to form
i can feel it pulsate
the fat is gathering..
itll never go away
it wont
cant eat this
must try that
should eat that
no! stop! stop!
just do it.. you're fine.. mmm.. yeah..yum.
cant
must
dont want to be rude
cant wait to be alone
have no pressure, be in control, ill be skinny forever
W~A~I~T~I~N~G for N~O~T~H~I~N~G
from lonely to lonelier
house full of nothing to something
the something doesnt care
awaiting presence just to be ignored. rejected
might as well be the one. the careless bitch
first the worst
listening intently
jumping at every sound
door swings open
bodies frolick in
i am invisible
my eyes. my heart. no connections
thinking.headaches.anxiety.energy.
my spirit must be strong. my mind is not in control.
convince, convince.
thankful for deja vu. thatkful for feelings of certainty.
take the middle path.be aware, be okay
be be be!
buzz like a bee
be free~~~~~
SEX*DRUGS*ATTENTION*GRIME
THE THINGS SET UP TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD AND ASHAMED
LIKE YOU SHOULD BE SECRETIVE. OF ONLY THE WORLD WOULD BE QUIET.
NOTHIGN IS ANYTHING. NOT W/O SOMEONE MAKING IT SOMWETHING
LETS MAKE EVERYTHING NOTHING. LETS HAVE FUN. LETS NOT CARE.
YOU BE MY ONE AND ILL BE YOURS. THE ONE WHO ALSO DOESNT CARE.
ATTACHING FALSE MEANING JUST LEADS TO DISAPPOINTMENT.
YOU DONT HAVE TO TRUST ME, JUST TRUST THAT I DONT CARE EITHER WAY
LIKE PORK AND BEANS
PEOPLE
THEY ARE SO STRANGE
THAT WORD.. IT JUST MEANS DIFFERENT
FEELINGS SCHMEELINGS
WE LIVE, WE DIE
NOTHING REALLY MATTERS
ALMOST FAMOUS
WHAT A GOOD MOVIE
TO FEEL ADN TO BE
TO WANT AND TO GET
IDEAS LEAD TO HOPE
WHATS THE POINT OF BEING KNOWN?
OF INFLUENCING OTHERS? BEING CARED FOR BY MANY?
ITS STILL SUCH A STERUGGLE TO FIND GOOD PEOPLE.
I STILL THINK I MAY BE SUITABLE
ID LIKE FOR MANY TO READ THIS
TO GAIN SOMETHING FROM THESE FEELINGFULL WORDS
FROM MY EXPERIENCES
KEEP ON WITH THE KEEPING ON! GIVE ME MEANING!
so common in my vocabulary
so uncommon in real life
maybe impossible
maybe nonexistant
if its really how it feels
then let it be so
ViEtNaM
the traveling sorrow
its not lonesomeness
its my company
being stuck with people
short of options
nothign but some books
nothing but these words
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Effort meets fate.. still a believer
here comes memories!
taking you down... down to a place i found a long time ago. memory lane!
i'll do my best with dates. this is all from an old journal. SEDOP notepad.
hospital: Nov 7 2008----Stanford Nov 12 2008---- SUMMIT Dec 3 til like April 2009.
12/8/11 120 lbs. Semi back to my old self. Eating wise--that's all. 16 years old. 11 to go.....
exhausted, not sleep deprived. sad. hate money. hate gas. hate humans. love love and those who do too. school is for dummies. let me live!
I don't want a boyfriend. I want stability. I want someone to count on. Support. Be there when I need and want you, and I'll be there for you. Wait for me. Love me. What more could one want.........
I have a constant feeling of nonexistance while at the same time everything is so real. Every decision matters so much. too much
I'm just a small person in such a fantastically huge world (that i'll never see all of or understand. how great is it that it doesnt matter!) im trying to do my best to make a difference, do big things. (that idk about yet.. what they are) it's starting to frighten me.
Haha this one's funny. "don't forget keanu huerta. marry him one day"... i thought thanhthanh, scott and syd were all super imp people in my life. maybe. too bad none of them stuck. they're all the devil!
11-28-11 I had a dream. Tim texted me just to say hi. Oh how I wish we could be friends.
I keep thinking about Scott.
I'm prob gonna break up with Jake. he's such a cool, good guy. he'll find someone.
taking you down... down to a place i found a long time ago. memory lane!
i'll do my best with dates. this is all from an old journal. SEDOP notepad.
hospital: Nov 7 2008----Stanford Nov 12 2008---- SUMMIT Dec 3 til like April 2009.
12/8/11 120 lbs. Semi back to my old self. Eating wise--that's all. 16 years old. 11 to go.....
exhausted, not sleep deprived. sad. hate money. hate gas. hate humans. love love and those who do too. school is for dummies. let me live!
I don't want a boyfriend. I want stability. I want someone to count on. Support. Be there when I need and want you, and I'll be there for you. Wait for me. Love me. What more could one want.........
I have a constant feeling of nonexistance while at the same time everything is so real. Every decision matters so much. too much
I'm just a small person in such a fantastically huge world (that i'll never see all of or understand. how great is it that it doesnt matter!) im trying to do my best to make a difference, do big things. (that idk about yet.. what they are) it's starting to frighten me.
Haha this one's funny. "don't forget keanu huerta. marry him one day"... i thought thanhthanh, scott and syd were all super imp people in my life. maybe. too bad none of them stuck. they're all the devil!
I keep thinking about Scott.
I'm prob gonna break up with Jake. he's such a cool, good guy. he'll find someone.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Forgotten Dreams
how could i
how unlike me
how sad i feel
when i feel like this i feel fat
and when i feel like my thighs are heavy i try to lose weight
i am glad i know what to expect from myself.
NOW. CHANGE.
here goes my mind.
he is just my friend.
it's amazing how much better the heart feels now
kess expectations
cant expect conisitency.
WOoooooo
CHEck. 1 problem down.
Now, that body.
Better get back into my yoga if I keep eating like this
i should do it anyway
i want to
i want to
shit, no i don't.
i don't
I want to relax and enjoy peoples company
and noone wants to do yoga with me
i am sad
i feel feelings
once i did not
once i did not think
i enjoyed food.
now i hate food and enjoy people
at this time, my friends are not very friendly
some
some.
if i have stuff, i have no people
if i have people, i want no stuff.
if i go to college, i don't know
i need love from myself
with marco, i have forgotten that
too much love for him
once he was the crazy one
now i am crazy for him and he is almost unsure
i liked it better the other way
sherry almost moved out again
dad is confused too
he just likes to snuggle with her when she's nice
she loves him. she really does
i really could cry all day today
tears are a fools drink
they do nothing
cause laziness
and miserable feelings
and lack of pleasure
happy tears are too rare to analyze
i miss being happy
i should be
sometimes
sometimes i really am
i could die of joy
i wonder
i wonder
this song just came on. perfect
in such an unperfect world.on an awful day.
in the heart of an awful person, this was perfect
thank you God, I MISS YOU. Come back to me. Find me. I'll find me. You find me too.
I love you. I really miss you God. I miss you more than I even know. I miss you.
how unlike me
how sad i feel
when i feel like this i feel fat
and when i feel like my thighs are heavy i try to lose weight
i am glad i know what to expect from myself.
NOW. CHANGE.
here goes my mind.
he is just my friend.
it's amazing how much better the heart feels now
kess expectations
cant expect conisitency.
WOoooooo
CHEck. 1 problem down.
Now, that body.
Better get back into my yoga if I keep eating like this
i should do it anyway
i want to
i want to
shit, no i don't.
i don't
I want to relax and enjoy peoples company
and noone wants to do yoga with me
i am sad
i feel feelings
once i did not
once i did not think
i enjoyed food.
now i hate food and enjoy people
at this time, my friends are not very friendly
some
some.
if i have stuff, i have no people
if i have people, i want no stuff.
if i go to college, i don't know
i need love from myself
with marco, i have forgotten that
too much love for him
once he was the crazy one
now i am crazy for him and he is almost unsure
i liked it better the other way
sherry almost moved out again
dad is confused too
he just likes to snuggle with her when she's nice
she loves him. she really does
i really could cry all day today
tears are a fools drink
they do nothing
cause laziness
and miserable feelings
and lack of pleasure
happy tears are too rare to analyze
i miss being happy
i should be
sometimes
sometimes i really am
i could die of joy
i wonder
i wonder
this song just came on. perfect
in such an unperfect world.on an awful day.
in the heart of an awful person, this was perfect
thank you God, I MISS YOU. Come back to me. Find me. I'll find me. You find me too.
I love you. I really miss you God. I miss you more than I even know. I miss you.
Bob Marley All In One Lyrics
Bend down low
Let me tell you what I know now
Bend down low
Let me tell you what I know, what I know, what I know
Long time, we no have no nice time
Doo-yoo-doo-dun-doo, yeah, think about that
Long, long, long, long time, we no have no nice time
Doo-yoo-doo-dun-doo, yeah, think about that, mm
One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel alright
One love, hear my plea, one heart
Give thanks and praise to the Lord, and I will feel alright
Simmer down, you lickin' too hot, so
Simmer down, soon you'll get dropped, so
Simmer down, man, you hear what I say?
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/bob+marley/all+in+one_20021655.html ]
After he
Breaks your heart
Then you'll be sad, so sad
And then your teardrops start
I tell you, then you'll know how
It hurts to be alone
Oh, what a (... feeling ...), what a feeling (... be blue)
Oh, what a feeling, oh, what a feeling
(Oh, what a feeling to be blue)
Have you ever had a lonesome feeling?
This was cause thru love and affection
This was cause thru love and affection
This was cause thru love and affection
Mm, feel them spirit
I'm gonna put it on
Feel them spirit
I'm gonna put it on
Yes, my friend
We're in the streets again
Yes, my friend
Dem set we free again ...
Let me tell you what I know now
Bend down low
Let me tell you what I know, what I know, what I know
Long time, we no have no nice time
Doo-yoo-doo-dun-doo, yeah, think about that
Long, long, long, long time, we no have no nice time
Doo-yoo-doo-dun-doo, yeah, think about that, mm
One love, one heart
Let's get together and feel alright
One love, hear my plea, one heart
Give thanks and praise to the Lord, and I will feel alright
Simmer down, you lickin' too hot, so
Simmer down, soon you'll get dropped, so
Simmer down, man, you hear what I say?
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/bob+marley/all+in+one_20021655.html ]
After he
Breaks your heart
Then you'll be sad, so sad
And then your teardrops start
I tell you, then you'll know how
It hurts to be alone
Oh, what a (... feeling ...), what a feeling (... be blue)
Oh, what a feeling, oh, what a feeling
(Oh, what a feeling to be blue)
Have you ever had a lonesome feeling?
This was cause thru love and affection
This was cause thru love and affection
This was cause thru love and affection
Mm, feel them spirit
I'm gonna put it on
Feel them spirit
I'm gonna put it on
Yes, my friend
We're in the streets again
Yes, my friend
Dem set we free again ...
Saturday, June 9, 2012
hurricane
ring a bell?
if so, do you really understand who she was?
most don't.
Factory Girl was a good movie.
I don't want to talk anymore I guess.
I have been having trouble eating too much again.
I'm gonna blow up inside and out one day
hittheroadjack27
Monday, April 2, 2012
Alive with the glory of Love
It's really becoming apparent to me that the more hardships we go through, the more beautiful
Life seems.
The more difficult it is to understand the meaningless relationships, interactions, and actions.
This almost seems like a curse.
Being/ feeling sorta wise
Feeling stuck in your own righteous mind
Pushing away people because they are follower of the popular news feed and have very little else to them
Should we all follow the status quo? Those who do, they seem happy.
I have stopped worrying about others unless they would care that I cared. I am my own protector and forever will be. We all are this, for ourselves.
It's a magical position to be in actually, I've got the power!
We all have all the power we let ourselves possess.
I've always wanted to do a handstand, a back walkover, a front something, a round off.
I can. I know that I I can!! But I won't hurt myself
Like that. I might not be strong enough. When im about to go do it, I feel so so weak. But still have energy. It's a peculiar feeling and so I stop.
I unwillingly quit at this task I have wanted Ti complete for so long. Its weird. I don't know if it's my mind or body holding me back.
Life seems.
The more difficult it is to understand the meaningless relationships, interactions, and actions.
This almost seems like a curse.
Being/ feeling sorta wise
Feeling stuck in your own righteous mind
Pushing away people because they are follower of the popular news feed and have very little else to them
Should we all follow the status quo? Those who do, they seem happy.
I have stopped worrying about others unless they would care that I cared. I am my own protector and forever will be. We all are this, for ourselves.
It's a magical position to be in actually, I've got the power!
We all have all the power we let ourselves possess.
I've always wanted to do a handstand, a back walkover, a front something, a round off.
I can. I know that I I can!! But I won't hurt myself
Like that. I might not be strong enough. When im about to go do it, I feel so so weak. But still have energy. It's a peculiar feeling and so I stop.
I unwillingly quit at this task I have wanted Ti complete for so long. Its weird. I don't know if it's my mind or body holding me back.
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